No Christmas in Zimbabwe               <--Prev : Next-->

Oh shucks man..

There has been a diplomatic war of words between Santa and the Zimbabwean government, following a high level meeting in international waters aboard a ship with no country of origin. The reason for the venue was the fact that most of the Zimbabwean delegation were banned from travel to countries of any repute whilst Santa was forced to decide that he was with George W Bush and the US in respect of the war on terror and therefore was unable to travel to such countries as Libya and North Korea as suggested by the Zimbabwean delegation. It was worth noting that Santa had wanted to travel to Zimbabwe but was unable to do so because he was not able to renounce his Zimbabwean citizenship, that he had no claim to, and Zimbabwean officials were planning to strip him of his international citizenship.

The decision to have the meeting in international waters was not made lightly with Zimbabwe being a landlocked country concerns were raised over the suitability of a mid ocean venue - however revelations that the majority of the warvet joy riders brought along to fill up the plane had in fact been seamen during the liberation struggle firmed the decision.

In other news it was worth noting that passengers were left stranded in Tripoli for two weeks after an Air Zimugabe plane had been diverted for presidential use.

The talks were held as a result of Santa questioning the safety of his reindeer and presents whilst on his rounds in Zimbabwe. There had been intense speculation that the goods were to be liberated and ridiculous duties charged on any other goods he may be in possession of during his tour through Zimbabwe regardless of their end destination. Further more there was speculation that only Christmas presents that had been distributed through Zanu PF channels with accompanying party slogans written on the cards were acceptable.

Santa was seeking clarification from the Zimbabwean Government on these points.

The Zimbabwean government through its misinformation minister responded by raising several concerns of their own.

The first was that with the reindeer having been in eastern countries prior to their arrival in Zimbabwe, in New Zealand and Australia in particular, they may have come in contact with GMO's and therefore would not be allowed in Zimbabwe in case they should defecate GMO tainted dung on Zimbabwean soil. The very soil that they (Zanu PF) had liberated from Ian Smith and the colonial British.

Santa was willing to accommodate this by seeking other means of transport, however he could not be guaranteed that there would be any fuel in the country especially at Christmas time.

Secondly it was unacceptable that Santa was white and was therefore a colonialist pig. The Zimbabwean government demanded that a native black Finnish person was to found to replace Santa. Santa was unable to reply to this statement. Thirdly the fact that Santa encourages children to sit on his lap means that he must be in cahoots with Tony Blair and his gay gangsters in the Gay UK. This of course was unacceptable Zimbabwe will never be a Christmas Colony of Santa and the evil British Imperialists.

Fourthly the fact that Santa wears red and waves openly at people and smiles whilst doing so means that he is a member of the opposition imperialistic stooge party of the white commercial farmers and unrepentant colonialists - the MDC. The Zimbabwean government demanded that he apply for a Zanu PF membership card and carry it with him at all times. Although they did point out that this would not guaranteed his safety.

Santa sought an injunction from the high court who ordered the police to offer Santa protection. A police spokesman was reported as saying that the matter was political and although they would protect Santa they would not accompany him or respond to any emergency.

At this point the warvets aboard the ship began demonstrating and demanding compensation for the crops that the reindeer were going to destroy. They were claiming that their estimated maize yields of 20 tons per hectare were going to be severely diminished and wanted compensation payable in US dollars at the fixed rate to be remitted out of the country.

Just to make sure that Santa realised their seriousness they announced plans to drive his reindeer into his house and back garden before holding an all night pungwe on his lawn. They demanded that he supply five oxen, two sheep, 2500 l of opaque beer and aspirin mapiris for their babelaas the next day.

Santa advised that they dress warmly.

By this time Grace was getting impatient and wanted to go shopping at Harrods so another plane was diverted leaving the last three remaining tourists in Zimbabwe stranded at Bulawayo.

Santa and his delegation left shortly afterwards to hold talks with Thabo Mbeki on the New African Christmas Initiative (dubbed the NikaMina) which relies on free access to all countries and good governance and is an integral part of the great African Renaissance. Thabo Mbeki advised that he would try and get Zimbabwe to agree to having Christmas in time by very silent diplomatic pressure. He then went on in a separate news statement to praise Zimbabwe's efforts in throwing off the shackles of Christmas Colonialism and supporting the Zimbabwean governments notion that it should be Christmas every day in the DRC - of course only for generals politicians and associated cronies and family members.

The Zimbabwean government has in the mean time announced that it had imposed retaliatory sanctions on Santa and banned him from travelling to Zimbabwe. The gay gangster British driven imperialistic colonialist western idea of Christmas was therefore cancelled in Zimbabwe. The Zanu PF realising peoples expectations would instead be holding a bun-fight where they would issue free land to everyone of the correct party back ground and print a lot of extra money in time for Christmas again only for those of the correct party background.

This is to be the fourth chimurenga! Pasi ne Chlistimasi Pamberi ne Chimurenga.